I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
