My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
