Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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