this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
