you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
