sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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