Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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