Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
