after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
