Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
