White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Who died my cat blue again?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
