Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
