I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She needs sedatives and a leash
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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