My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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