she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
