I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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