I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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