I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
