Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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