On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
