Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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