what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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