My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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