please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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