I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i believe in u and ur pee
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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