I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
