did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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