Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
