im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
