i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
