Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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