in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
