did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
