im having a threesome with these popsicles
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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