oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
