Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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