a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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