i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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