you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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