Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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