a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
