I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
