she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize