just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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