Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize