Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
They have beer where we have blood.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
