why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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