She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
