I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize