If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my being single is dangerous.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There r osticjed everywhere
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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