Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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