Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
