No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
