she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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