matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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