Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
