I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
