Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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