I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
