apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
