Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
