just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
