I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
