I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
