I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
