Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
