The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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