forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
