Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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