i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dick very happy bro
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
